say hi to nothing


Today felt like a blur. Everything was moving too fast and I can’t help feeling a bit out of it, like I’m about to jump out of my own skin. Today didn’t feel real but it is. I don’t know how to distinguish which is which anymore. Every day is a blur. Act happy. Do nothing. Act sad. Be nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I don’t know which is better. Acting like nothing’s wrong or being nothing.

Flower tea, laptops, people laughing, footsteps squeaking, grapes, silent elevator rides, wanting, being nothing, shame, effortless elegance, overused cooking oil, glimpses of truth, escape from reality.

Do I really not know the difference between reality and fantasy anymore? Or am I just being an irresponsible and insensitive bitch incapable of feeling and giving love? Is it really pride and not anxiety? I’ve had a good talk with an old friend at a familiar quaint place. It’s better at night. The lights are exposed, people are huddled together and there’s a sense of silence wafting through the city. I should feel peaceful but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters.

Communication.

Miscommunication.

Communciation breakdown.

Anxiety.

The vicious cycle of being me.

I don’t know how to be me. I don’t even know the real me. Maybe that’s why I’m so keen on courting death. It’s because I don’t know what I want and that’s why I settled for nothing. I am nothing. And in being nothing, I found the alluring smile of my thoughts. Whispering, coaxing, and begging me to come with them to the afterlife.

 Maybe I’m delusional.

Maybe I spend too much time by myself.

Maybe I’m just a selfish little bitch.

 

Which is which you little witch?

 

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