say hi to nothing
On Friday, October 11, 2013
by
Candy Monster
-
Are you happy?,
Depression,
Derealization,
Diary,
journal,
Nothing,
personal,
Thoughts
Today felt like a blur.
Everything was moving too fast and I can’t help feeling a bit out of it, like I’m
about to jump out of my own skin. Today didn’t feel real but it is. I don’t
know how to distinguish which is which anymore. Every day is a blur. Act happy.
Do nothing. Act sad. Be nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I don’t know which is
better. Acting like nothing’s wrong or being nothing.
Flower tea, laptops,
people laughing, footsteps squeaking, grapes, silent elevator rides, wanting,
being nothing, shame, effortless elegance, overused cooking oil, glimpses of
truth, escape from reality.
Do I really not know
the difference between reality and fantasy anymore? Or am I just being an
irresponsible and insensitive bitch incapable of feeling and giving love? Is it
really pride and not anxiety? I’ve had a good talk with an old friend at a
familiar quaint place. It’s better at night. The lights are exposed, people are
huddled together and there’s a sense of silence wafting through the city. I
should feel peaceful but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters.
Communication.
Miscommunication.
Communciation
breakdown.
Anxiety.
The vicious cycle of
being me.
I don’t know how to be
me. I don’t even know the real me. Maybe that’s why I’m so keen on courting
death. It’s because I don’t know what I want and that’s why I settled for
nothing. I am nothing. And in being nothing, I found the alluring smile of my
thoughts. Whispering, coaxing, and begging me to come with them to the
afterlife.
Maybe I’m delusional.
Maybe I spend too much
time by myself.
Maybe I’m just a
selfish little bitch.
Which is which you
little witch?
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