Showing posts with label Are you happy?. Show all posts

say hi to blue

On Tuesday, November 5, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , , ,
 

the clouds look happy from up here
i hope tomorrow's going to be a good day
 


sad hallows eve

On Wednesday, October 30, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

i had an ipanema boy moment in bali
i was waiting for the sunset but it never came
i left before it showed itself to me

there was a peaceful kind of feeling
or was it melancholy?

im turning black again
cuts all over
 rotting flesh

being like this is like carrying a scary monster
on your back and it squeezes your heart
until you can no longer breathe
it whispers venomous words
that leave you paralyzed



it's halloween
nothing special
im already a monster


say hi to shattered

On Thursday, October 24, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , , , , ,
 I made this list last year.
Everything was different then. 
I still wasn't a neurotic back then. 
I wish I was still the person a year ago.

Full of life, optimism, and hope for what is to come.


1. Go to the gym everyday.
2. No more rice
3. No more binge eating
4. Take into consideration what you eat or do
5. Distract yourself
6. No chocolates
7. Minimal bread
8. Oatmeal is a yes
9. Be healthy-minded. No more milk teas.
10. Greentea in the morning or evening. Remember to recycle.
11. Sketch more. Sleep more. Do more.
12. Water. Only drink water from now on.
13. No cheating or shortening of exercises. One day this will all be worth it.
14. DO YOUR LEG EXERCISES. No cheating or skipping.
15. Listen to music.
16. Do not spend money on useless things. Make investments instead.
17. Inspire and remind yourself why you're doing this.
18. Do more. Be more. Be happy. Be satisfied. Do not disappoint.
19. Get back on the right track.
20. Go at your own pace.
21. Do the right thing all the time
22. You don't need to socialize when you don't feel like it.
23. Find books that inspire, go to places that inspire, do things that inspire.
24. Do well on studies. Always. No excuses. Do what you have to do.
25. Be interesting.
26. Be well groomed and presentable at all times.
27. Be yourself. Love yourself. Be goal-oriented.
28. Bear all the irritation and espeglerie of people around you.
29. Dress whatever you like. Mr. Galliano's words.
30. Inspire. Inspire. Inspire. Inspire. But don't get your head in the clouds for too long.
31. Buy one luxury item a month.
32. Never stop learning.
33. Learn how to sew. Find a sewing machine.
34. Experience is the best teacher.
35. Do your own thing. Don't follow trends. Create them.
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say hi to feelings

On Sunday, October 20, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , ,
don't you think feelings are scary?
it can make you do things that you would never do
carry you away, drown you, make you feel high
it scares me how much our life depends on how we feel at a moment in time

numb is a feeling too
it's a feeling of not being able to feel
no matter how barren and empty it is

eat your words
swallow them into fruition
and blissfully choke on them

are you happy? 

say hi to nothing

On Friday, October 11, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , , ,

Today felt like a blur. Everything was moving too fast and I can’t help feeling a bit out of it, like I’m about to jump out of my own skin. Today didn’t feel real but it is. I don’t know how to distinguish which is which anymore. Every day is a blur. Act happy. Do nothing. Act sad. Be nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I don’t know which is better. Acting like nothing’s wrong or being nothing.

Flower tea, laptops, people laughing, footsteps squeaking, grapes, silent elevator rides, wanting, being nothing, shame, effortless elegance, overused cooking oil, glimpses of truth, escape from reality.

Do I really not know the difference between reality and fantasy anymore? Or am I just being an irresponsible and insensitive bitch incapable of feeling and giving love? Is it really pride and not anxiety? I’ve had a good talk with an old friend at a familiar quaint place. It’s better at night. The lights are exposed, people are huddled together and there’s a sense of silence wafting through the city. I should feel peaceful but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters.

Communication.

Miscommunication.

Communciation breakdown.

Anxiety.

The vicious cycle of being me.

I don’t know how to be me. I don’t even know the real me. Maybe that’s why I’m so keen on courting death. It’s because I don’t know what I want and that’s why I settled for nothing. I am nothing. And in being nothing, I found the alluring smile of my thoughts. Whispering, coaxing, and begging me to come with them to the afterlife.

 Maybe I’m delusional.

Maybe I spend too much time by myself.

Maybe I’m just a selfish little bitch.

 

Which is which you little witch?

 

say hi to staircase

On Tuesday, October 8, 2013 by with No comments - , ,
I don’t want to abandon anything in this world yet

I know that there is so much more reason to live

but lately I’m not sure

if I have the energy

or motivation

to do anything anymore.

it feels like

I’m falling into a

spiral staircase, spiraling down

into madness

with no one to help me, no one who knows



the façade I put is cemented

but it’s starting to have cracks

sooner or later water will

come spewing out

breaking the wall that I have built for so long

it leaves me feeling naked

and bare

no one to run to, nothing to run from

but myself

and my self-made world of destruction

slowly spiraling into madness

and eventually,

hopefully,



into oblivion. 

Happiness

On Friday, August 9, 2013 by with No comments - , , , ,
I should be studying for my crop science lab exam but instead I’m writing these useless words in my mothers’s laptop. But why? Why me? Why anything? I often ask myself these questions far too often than I’d like to admit.

Why? Why am I doing this instead of studying for something that I should be doing for the sake of my education? Scratch that, I meant my future. I don’t think I’ve been walking on the right road these days. I just feel like I’m floating. Just there for the sake of existing. Why anything? Why me?

As long as I breathe, I’m still living right? It’s so corny and cheesy to be able to write these things here but I am serious. I don’t care anymore if this sounds overly cliché and shit like that. This is how I feel and I don’t think its right. Yes, it’s okay to feel these emotions and be at one with them to understand why I feel the way I feel but I have nothing here. No answers, just questions. I know I sound like I’m escaping my way through reality by writing but that’s not the point. The point is that I don’t feel like I’m existing anymore. Ethereally, realistically and surreally.

I don’t understand why I am like this. I should be having the time of my life, right Sylvia Plath? So why is this not the case for both of us? I don’t want to admit that I’ve gone off to the deep end. I don’t want to. Oh, but I am. I am in so deep that I don’t even know if I’m existing or not anymore.

Nothing matters. It’s all material anyway. All emotions. I want to severe myself from everything but at the same time it’s the only way to destroy myself and I don’t want to do that. I want to live, I want to laugh, I want to love and do all the things that happy people do.

But how come whenever I see happy people, all I can think of is how foolish. Happiness is not permanent. It never was but we never really understood it that way didn’t we? We’ve always thought it was a place where we can be blissfully happy for ever after once we reach that place but that’s not true. Happiness is moments of pure elatedness. Pure simplicity and cheap thrills. No matter what other people say, you get to decide what makes you happy and decide if you want to be happy. And that’s how beautiful and tragic life is. You can either choose to be happy or not and that scares the living hell out of me because I feel like this. This void, this emptiness that I just want to purge out and fill it with light, with happiness. But happiness is not a place. You can’t make homes out of happiness. You have to find it within yourself. For that moment, for that simplicity, for the tragic mess that all looms behind us.

So if you ask me why anything, why me all I can say is that nothing. That’s what we are and that’s what we will ever be. We are nothing compared to the universe around us. We limit ourselves through religion, through thoughts, through so-called ‘knowledge’, words with meanings that don’t really mean a thing. Yes, we are nothing but part of a void that we try so hard to fill but end up empty anyways.


Are you happy?