Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
say hi to reminisce
On Tuesday, November 26, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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journal,
Melancholy,
past,
personal,
Thoughts
i remember the past
too much these days
and i won't lie that
i kind of miss it
it's the way of life that
i've known for 3 and a half years
it's not easy to forget
and im a little confused
is it selfish of me to want
to forget the past?
or atleast make it bearable
to remember
i felt so alone and lonely
when i was there
disconnected
everyone's so busy with
their lives and im stuck
i've lived a jetpack
and fastpaced world
when i was there because
it required alertness
and relentless moving
in the middle of it all,
i just stopped completely
i didn't know why i was
doing it anymore
i didn't even like it
some aspects were interesting
like the media and getting published
but it fades away pretty fast
it wasn't what i expected
and it took me 3 years to realise that.
now whenever i remember
what i used to do there's
this certain melancholia
filling my heart that's
bordering on nostalgia
i won't be able to be a photojournalist anymore
i won't go to isolated places
to see growth and development
all the memories i've had were precious
and to be honest, i wouldn't have
it any other way even if i did
end up leaving.
old memories will be replaced by new ones
im holding on to that.
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say hi to gah humbug
On Sunday, November 24, 2013
by
Candy Monster
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No comments
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Coffee,
Diary,
journal,
Place,
Shops,
Study
if i stay here at home
i know i'll never get anything done
and i really want to study and
do my own research and read
but i can't do that here
everything's so noisy and open
i want to study in a secluded corner
all alone and completely quiet.
but ofcourse the lack of coffeeshops
or any other shops for that matter
is annoying.
there's nowhere else i can go
i know i'll never get anything done
and i really want to study and
do my own research and read
but i can't do that here
everything's so noisy and open
i want to study in a secluded corner
all alone and completely quiet.
but ofcourse the lack of coffeeshops
or any other shops for that matter
is annoying.
there's nowhere else i can go
.
On Friday, November 22, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Depression,
I can't live like this anymore,
journal,
Sad,
This needs to stop
you know that feeling where
you stuff yourself with food,
do dangerous things,
mutilate yourself
just to be able to feel something,
anything.
to fill that void of emptiness inside
and it's hard
so hard
to desperately find ways
to feel anything
other than pain
but that sickening emptiness in your core
never disappears
it just stays there like a gaping hole,
scaring anyone who dares
to come close
you stuff yourself with food,
do dangerous things,
mutilate yourself
just to be able to feel something,
anything.
to fill that void of emptiness inside
and it's hard
so hard
to desperately find ways
to feel anything
other than pain
but that sickening emptiness in your core
never disappears
it just stays there like a gaping hole,
scaring anyone who dares
to come close
say hi to what is up today
On Wednesday, November 20, 2013
by
Candy Monster
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No comments
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Am I depressed?,
Diary,
I don't know,
journal,
Nothing,
Thoughts,
Today
there's something about today
that makes me want to retreat somewhere
i woke up and i thought,
'oh my god, i feel like dying'
and now i just want this day to end
i want to do nothing
and be nothing
i hate it when i feel this way
nothing is better than nothing
i just want to sleep somewhere
and die a little
that makes me want to retreat somewhere
i woke up and i thought,
'oh my god, i feel like dying'
and now i just want this day to end
i want to do nothing
and be nothing
i hate it when i feel this way
nothing is better than nothing
i just want to sleep somewhere
and die a little
say hi to what's inside my bag
On Sunday, November 17, 2013
by
Candy Monster
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No comments
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Bag,
Book,
Contents,
earphones,
Frugurt,
Inside my,
journal,
Milan Kundera,
personal,
Random,
Receipts,
Sunglasses,
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
1. Sunglasses are VERY important to me. How else am i going to survive in public places?
2. I usually keep receipts in my bag instead of throwing them away. It's a sickness really.
3. FRUGURT. Enough said. I keep one in my bag incase I get bored or hungry.
4. Red journal. Small enough to fit into any bag. I find it helpful to be able to record the day's events.
5. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I'm still in the process of reading it. I usually bring it everywhere I go for coffee breaks.
6. Pink Phillips earphones. I can't live without music!!
2. I usually keep receipts in my bag instead of throwing them away. It's a sickness really.
3. FRUGURT. Enough said. I keep one in my bag incase I get bored or hungry.
4. Red journal. Small enough to fit into any bag. I find it helpful to be able to record the day's events.
5. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I'm still in the process of reading it. I usually bring it everywhere I go for coffee breaks.
6. Pink Phillips earphones. I can't live without music!!
say hi to star gazing
On Saturday, November 16, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Cosmos,
Diary,
Epiphanies,
I am Happy,
journal,
life,
personal,
Poetry,
Shooting,
Star
it started out while we were drinking
we thought about a lot of things
i was still carrying a heavy load
that i should have dropped a long time ago
as the night got deeper
our conversations became more meaningful
as everyone started to leave
we sat facing each other
cross legged and smiling
on top of our terrace
as we thought about life
and how far we have come
we fagged out on marlboro blacks
which made me smile because it
smelt like cheap lucky strikes
we laid on the ground
and looked at the stars
and the shining full moon
we started asking the questions
we were too afraid to ask
about life and death
cosmos and stars
in the middle of it all
came a shooting star
which we immediately wished on
it is time to give my self importance
its time to trust myself
its time to live my life
thank you
thank you
thank you
i will never forget this night
and the things we shared
with each other
you're right
life is wonderful.
we thought about a lot of things
i was still carrying a heavy load
that i should have dropped a long time ago
as the night got deeper
our conversations became more meaningful
as everyone started to leave
we sat facing each other
cross legged and smiling
on top of our terrace
as we thought about life
and how far we have come
we fagged out on marlboro blacks
which made me smile because it
smelt like cheap lucky strikes
we laid on the ground
and looked at the stars
and the shining full moon
we started asking the questions
we were too afraid to ask
about life and death
cosmos and stars
in the middle of it all
came a shooting star
which we immediately wished on
it is time to give my self importance
its time to trust myself
its time to live my life
thank you
thank you
thank you
i will never forget this night
and the things we shared
with each other
you're right
life is wonderful.
say hi to rainy days
On Friday, November 8, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Bossa,
Days,
journal,
Mon Amour,
Music,
Nova,
Pizzicato Five,
Rainy,
Song,
Sweet Soul Revue,
The Girl from Ipanema,
Tokyo
it's a rainy afternoon
and im eating spicy cup noodles
while listening to pizzicato five
painted my nails blood red
and drew a few faces
im going to miss this
woke up to someone screaming outside
spent the whole day lazing around
and reading horror mangas
while drinking tea
say hi to words
I used to really
write a lot
I enjoyed writing
and making up dream worlds
That I wish I lived
in
People said that I
was good at it
And I believed them
But to me writing
has always been
And always will be a
form of escape
I write for the sake
of writing
But I can't even
bring myself
To touch a pen and
open a notebook
These days
I'm afraid of
writing
It's where
everything got fucked
It's where I find
solace
But now I can't
bring myself to write anymore
I'm afraid that I
might not be good enough for it
Which is fucking
ridiculous because I never wrote stories to please anyone but myself
Maybe one day I'll
find the courage to write again.
I miss it.
say hi to the end of the beginning
i feel irritated
like i can't stand being with people
i don't want to deal with anything
i can't deal with anything and everything
last night
the world came crashing down on me again
i thought everything was alright now
but when you stretch a rubber to its limit
it's hard for it to stay the way it was before
i've been to hell and back
and it was a pleasant stay
now everything doesn't mean anything
change everything
delete all traces
self-actualize
where do i begin?
like i can't stand being with people
i don't want to deal with anything
i can't deal with anything and everything
last night
the world came crashing down on me again
i thought everything was alright now
but when you stretch a rubber to its limit
it's hard for it to stay the way it was before
i've been to hell and back
and it was a pleasant stay
now everything doesn't mean anything
change everything
delete all traces
self-actualize
where do i begin?
say hi to shift
On Tuesday, November 5, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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change,
Course,
Diary,
journal,
personal,
Psychology,
Shift,
Thoughts
i feel like i made the right choice
but right or not im going to where it makes me happy
if i stayed any longer i really feel like im
going to kill myself
the course was great
but i dont feel like i belong
i've never fitted anywhere good in my life
i hate it
its kind of weird to study psychology
when i myself am a nutcase
but i want to understand
why i am the way i am
and why people are the way they are
and why we hurt each other
when we're suppose to love
change seems like a soft haze
i hate change
i want everything to be constant
but maybe it's time
to let go of things
and start anew
but right or not im going to where it makes me happy
if i stayed any longer i really feel like im
going to kill myself
the course was great
but i dont feel like i belong
i've never fitted anywhere good in my life
i hate it
its kind of weird to study psychology
when i myself am a nutcase
but i want to understand
why i am the way i am
and why people are the way they are
and why we hurt each other
when we're suppose to love
change seems like a soft haze
i hate change
i want everything to be constant
but maybe it's time
to let go of things
and start anew
say hi to cut
On Sunday, November 3, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Book,
Depression,
Diary,
journal,
Milan Kundera,
The Unbearable Lightness of Being,
Thoughts
bought new sunglasses
the type where you can cry
and no one would know
i walked around my old school
and cut myself deep just to see
if anything comes out
the bright red trickled down into my palm
as i kept walking while my tears fell
i brought my hand up into the sky
and licked my wound just to see how it tastes like
it tastes like iron and loneliness
like metallic rust on an old volkswagen bumper
left out in the rain
i went back to the convenience store
where me and my friends would go
when we were still in highschool
when we were still in highschool
i bought fresh milk
and drank fresh tears
with the sleeping cat beside me
a punk boy sat beside me
but i was too engrossed in my book
or atleast i was pretending to
i don't want to interact with anyone
when im not stable enough
for fear that they'd find me crazy
he left with his motorcycle
my mother called
she's with dad travelling somewhere
and asked how am i
i pretended to sound cheerful
and said i was fine
as the tears fell from my eyes
it's hard
it's hard
it's hard
i don't know what will happen to me
today,
tomorrow
i'm not even sure if i'll be around long enough
to get a cup of coffee next week
i feel like im going to snap any second
i feel strained and tired and useless
the thread that's holding my sanity is about to break
whatever happens, happens
say hi to 4:35 pm
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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change,
depressed,
Diary,
Feelings,
journal,
Love,
rain,
Thoughts,
tired
the raindrops keep falling hard
splick splak
and along with it
goes the beating of my heart
it feels overwhelming
but strangely comforting
at the same time
how can something
that gives you great joy
cause you so much pain?
it's scary how love can change people
it's scary how people can change
but
it's even scarier when you
change yourself to match
the people you love
splick splak
and along with it
goes the beating of my heart
it feels overwhelming
but strangely comforting
at the same time
how can something
that gives you great joy
cause you so much pain?
it's scary how love can change people
it's scary how people can change
but
it's even scarier when you
change yourself to match
the people you love
sad hallows eve
On Wednesday, October 30, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Are you happy?,
Bali,
Beach,
Boy,
Daul,
Depression,
Diary,
Dysthymia,
Halloween,
I miss you,
Ipanema,
journal,
Melancholy,
Moment,
Monster
i had an ipanema boy moment in bali
i was waiting for the sunset but it never came
i left before it showed itself to me
there was a peaceful kind of feeling
or was it melancholy?
im turning black again
cuts all over
rotting flesh
being like this is like carrying a scary monster
on your back and it squeezes your heart
until you can no longer breathe
it whispers venomous words
that leave you paralyzed
it's halloween
nothing special
im already a monster
say hi to i want to rot inside your skin
On Tuesday, October 29, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Agfa,
Diary,
Film,
Flower,
I want to rot inside your skin,
journal,
Metaphor,
personal,
Plant
life has a funny way of torturing you
all alone with your thoughts
like a flower in bloom
when exposed to unfortunate pressure
gets crushed
leaving nothing but their scent
against your palm
and their juices between
your fingers
i am waiting for that hand
to crush my insides
so i can go on living
as a wilted, weightless, worthless flower.
please allow me to die in your hands
so that i can rot inside your skin
and i will forever be with you
영원히.
say hi to 12:32 am
just got back from bali
so tired
and cold
i want tosleep wrapped
in a warm blanket tonight
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say hi to my balsam flower
On Tuesday, October 22, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
-
Balsam,
Diary,
Flower,
Gardening,
journal,
personal,
Photo,
Plant,
Snapdragons
my balsam flowers just bloomed!
it looks so pretty and it reminds me
of snapdragons.
it's called touch me not for a reason!
i guess it takes after the owner
i need to transfer them to a bigger pot
say hi to meteors
i remember the time where we would go on school immersions
and we would go to very isolated places
we would need to climb 7km before reaching a certain community
or walk for 10km
and even if those places were high up a mountain
and very hard to get to
it was so beautiful
fireflies would glow at night
because there was no electricity
the sky was filled with stars
you feel like you could reach your hand up and touch the sky
meteor showers were abundant
and i remember thinking
how i've never seen such a beautiful night sky
it looked ethereal and untouched
nature at it's rawest form
Orionid is coming but it's raining hard
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say hi to somewhere
On Sunday, October 20, 2013
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Diary,
I want to go somewhere,
journal,
Thoughts,
Travel
i want to go somewhere
to look at the sky
to breathe in the fragance of flowers
and see the butterflies fluttering around
or visit a temple
and climb a hundred stairs or two
and make a wish when i reach the top
or go somewhere where it's quiet
and just be
i long to go to a place i don't even know exist
i want to get out of here so bad
but there's nowhere else to go
and nowhere else to be
i want to get lost with myself
and make beautiful memories
and listen to good music
and feel the air wrap itself around me
is that too much to ask?
to look at the sky
to breathe in the fragance of flowers
and see the butterflies fluttering around
or visit a temple
and climb a hundred stairs or two
and make a wish when i reach the top
or go somewhere where it's quiet
and just be
i long to go to a place i don't even know exist
i want to get out of here so bad
but there's nowhere else to go
and nowhere else to be
i want to get lost with myself
and make beautiful memories
and listen to good music
and feel the air wrap itself around me
is that too much to ask?
say hi to feelings
by
Candy Monster
with
No comments
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Are you happy?,
Emptiness,
Feelings,
Happiness,
journal,
Thoughts
don't you think feelings are scary?
it can make you do things that you would never do
carry you away, drown you, make you feel high
it scares me how much our life depends on how we feel at a moment in time
numb is a feeling too
it's a feeling of not being able to feel
no matter how barren and empty it is
eat your words
swallow them into fruition
and blissfully choke on them
are you happy?
it can make you do things that you would never do
carry you away, drown you, make you feel high
it scares me how much our life depends on how we feel at a moment in time
numb is a feeling too
it's a feeling of not being able to feel
no matter how barren and empty it is
eat your words
swallow them into fruition
and blissfully choke on them
are you happy?