Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

say hi to reminisce

On Tuesday, November 26, 2013 by with No comments - , , , ,

i remember the past
too much these days
and i won't lie that
i kind of miss it

it's the way of life that
i've known for 3 and a half years
it's not easy to forget
and im a little confused
is it selfish of me to want
to forget the past?
or atleast make it bearable
to remember

i felt so alone and lonely
when i was there

disconnected

everyone's so busy with
their lives and im stuck

i've lived a jetpack
and fastpaced world
when i was there because
it required alertness
and relentless moving

in the middle of it all,
i just stopped completely
i didn't know why i was
doing it anymore

i didn't even like it
some aspects were interesting
like the media and getting published
but it fades away pretty fast

it wasn't what i expected

and it took me 3 years to realise that.

now whenever i remember
what i used to do there's
this certain melancholia
filling my heart that's
bordering on nostalgia

i won't be able to be a photojournalist anymore
i won't go to isolated places
to see growth and development
all the memories i've had were precious
and to be honest, i wouldn't have
it any other way even if i did
end up leaving.

old memories will be replaced by new ones
im holding on to that.

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say hi to what is up today

On Wednesday, November 20, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , ,
there's something about today
that makes me want to retreat somewhere
i woke up and i thought,
'oh my god, i feel like dying'
and now i just want this day to end

i want to do nothing
and be nothing

i hate it when i feel this way
nothing is better than nothing

i just want to sleep somewhere
and die a little 

say hi to my secret life

On Friday, November 15, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , ,

i secretly roam the streets at night
in my natural habitat
filled with city lights and neon signs

i used to be so fragile
but now im so wild
i used to cry but now
 i don't have time


say hi to shift

On Tuesday, November 5, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , , ,
i feel like i made the right choice
but right or not im going to where it makes me happy
if i stayed any longer i really feel like im
going to kill myself

the course was great
but i dont feel like i belong
i've never fitted anywhere good in my life
i hate it

its kind of weird to study psychology
when i myself am a nutcase

but i want to understand
why i am the way i am
and why people are the way they are
and why we hurt each other
when we're suppose to love

change seems like a soft haze
i hate change
i want everything to be constant
but maybe it's time
to let go of things
and start anew

say hi to cut

On Sunday, November 3, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , ,
 

bought new sunglasses
the type where you can cry 
and no one would know

i walked around my old school 
and cut myself deep just to see
if anything comes out

the bright red trickled down into my palm
as i kept walking while my tears fell
 i brought my hand up into the sky 
and licked my wound just to see how it tastes like

it tastes like iron and loneliness
like metallic rust on an old volkswagen bumper
left out in the rain 

i went back to the convenience store
where me and my friends would go
when we were still in highschool

i bought fresh milk
and drank fresh tears
with the sleeping cat beside me

a punk boy sat beside me 
but i was too engrossed in my book
or atleast i was pretending to
i don't want to interact with anyone
when im not stable enough
for fear that they'd find me crazy

he left with his motorcycle

my mother called 
she's with dad travelling somewhere
and asked how am i
i pretended to sound cheerful
and said i was fine
as the tears fell from my eyes

it's hard
it's hard
it's hard

i don't know what will happen to me 
today,
tomorrow
i'm not even sure if i'll be around long enough
to get a cup of coffee next week

i feel like im going to snap any second
i feel strained and tired and useless
the thread that's holding my sanity is about to break

whatever happens, happens

say hi to 4:35 pm

by with No comments - , , , , , , , ,
the raindrops keep falling hard
splick splak
and along with it
goes the beating of my heart
it feels overwhelming
but strangely comforting
at the same time

how can something
that gives you great joy
cause you so much pain?

it's scary how love can change people
it's scary how people can change
but
it's even scarier when you
change yourself to match
the people you love

say hi to .

On Tuesday, October 22, 2013 by with No comments - , ,
Anonyme - Etude de Nu, ca. 1970

I've been thinking and not thinking about a lot of things
should i continue to exist?
or do i cease to exist anymore?

Anonyme - Etude de Nu, ca. 1970

say hi to fragments

by with No comments - , , , , , , , , ,



This is thread on paper done by Isabel Brito Farre. 
I wish I could have seen at least one of her shows
It would have been interesting
Her work is so nostalgic bordering on mundane 
I like it. It's different. 

But ofcourse. Empty is just another word for open.

say hi to somewhere

On Sunday, October 20, 2013 by with No comments - , , , ,
i want to go somewhere
to look at the sky
to breathe in the fragance of flowers
and see the butterflies fluttering around

or visit a temple
and climb a hundred stairs or two
and make a wish when i reach the top

or go somewhere where it's quiet
and just be

i long to go to a place i don't even know exist
i want to get out of here so bad
but there's nowhere else to go
and nowhere else to be


i want to get lost with myself
and make beautiful memories
and listen to good music
and feel the air wrap itself around me


is that too much to ask?

say hi to feelings

by with No comments - , , , , ,
don't you think feelings are scary?
it can make you do things that you would never do
carry you away, drown you, make you feel high
it scares me how much our life depends on how we feel at a moment in time

numb is a feeling too
it's a feeling of not being able to feel
no matter how barren and empty it is

eat your words
swallow them into fruition
and blissfully choke on them

are you happy? 

say hi to you don't belong in the present

On Saturday, October 19, 2013 by with No comments - , ,
is it okay for the past to interfere with the present?
it happens all the time
sometimes we succumbed to it, 
sometimes we think about it,
and sometimes we go back to it.

but you meet new people along the way
which made you happy and sad
you learn new knowledge and let go
of the things that has already happened

is it then okay to let the past interfere with your present?
the answer is no
what happened already happened. 
never assume. 

remember everything that happened in your life
has led you to this moment in time
that is a blessing that can only come from the present



so kids, if there's one thing i've learned from architecture 101,
it's that misunderstandings can fuck your lives up
so you better not assume
and regret it 10 years later after you find out the truth


say hi to never explain, never complain

by with No comments - , , ,

I don't really like Kate Moss
but i saw a pic of her talking to cara
and the caption said 'you can never replace me'
it was from the LV backstage show
and it got me thinking

cara is lightyears away from her
their experiences are exceedingly different
from each other
so how then can you compare
such different people with different achievements?

it's so easy to judge others
than to judge ourselves

so what if kate's heroine chic
so what if cara is goofy
so what

so what

SO

WHAT

fashion makes one too self-absorbed

no you are not important

no you are not the one

are these simply voices in my head?

never explain, never complain

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say hi to precious

by with No comments - , , , , , ,
 

I'm always in constant search for
fashion films.
old & new, good & bad
it fascinates me to no end

i mean if anyone ever gave so much
thought into making 'precious' pizza for me,
i'd order one everyday!

the clothes, the style, the music, 
the composition
perfect.

say hi to nothing

On Friday, October 11, 2013 by with No comments - , , , , , , ,

Today felt like a blur. Everything was moving too fast and I can’t help feeling a bit out of it, like I’m about to jump out of my own skin. Today didn’t feel real but it is. I don’t know how to distinguish which is which anymore. Every day is a blur. Act happy. Do nothing. Act sad. Be nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I don’t know which is better. Acting like nothing’s wrong or being nothing.

Flower tea, laptops, people laughing, footsteps squeaking, grapes, silent elevator rides, wanting, being nothing, shame, effortless elegance, overused cooking oil, glimpses of truth, escape from reality.

Do I really not know the difference between reality and fantasy anymore? Or am I just being an irresponsible and insensitive bitch incapable of feeling and giving love? Is it really pride and not anxiety? I’ve had a good talk with an old friend at a familiar quaint place. It’s better at night. The lights are exposed, people are huddled together and there’s a sense of silence wafting through the city. I should feel peaceful but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters.

Communication.

Miscommunication.

Communciation breakdown.

Anxiety.

The vicious cycle of being me.

I don’t know how to be me. I don’t even know the real me. Maybe that’s why I’m so keen on courting death. It’s because I don’t know what I want and that’s why I settled for nothing. I am nothing. And in being nothing, I found the alluring smile of my thoughts. Whispering, coaxing, and begging me to come with them to the afterlife.

 Maybe I’m delusional.

Maybe I spend too much time by myself.

Maybe I’m just a selfish little bitch.

 

Which is which you little witch?

 

Happiness

On Friday, August 9, 2013 by with No comments - , , , ,
I should be studying for my crop science lab exam but instead I’m writing these useless words in my mothers’s laptop. But why? Why me? Why anything? I often ask myself these questions far too often than I’d like to admit.

Why? Why am I doing this instead of studying for something that I should be doing for the sake of my education? Scratch that, I meant my future. I don’t think I’ve been walking on the right road these days. I just feel like I’m floating. Just there for the sake of existing. Why anything? Why me?

As long as I breathe, I’m still living right? It’s so corny and cheesy to be able to write these things here but I am serious. I don’t care anymore if this sounds overly cliché and shit like that. This is how I feel and I don’t think its right. Yes, it’s okay to feel these emotions and be at one with them to understand why I feel the way I feel but I have nothing here. No answers, just questions. I know I sound like I’m escaping my way through reality by writing but that’s not the point. The point is that I don’t feel like I’m existing anymore. Ethereally, realistically and surreally.

I don’t understand why I am like this. I should be having the time of my life, right Sylvia Plath? So why is this not the case for both of us? I don’t want to admit that I’ve gone off to the deep end. I don’t want to. Oh, but I am. I am in so deep that I don’t even know if I’m existing or not anymore.

Nothing matters. It’s all material anyway. All emotions. I want to severe myself from everything but at the same time it’s the only way to destroy myself and I don’t want to do that. I want to live, I want to laugh, I want to love and do all the things that happy people do.

But how come whenever I see happy people, all I can think of is how foolish. Happiness is not permanent. It never was but we never really understood it that way didn’t we? We’ve always thought it was a place where we can be blissfully happy for ever after once we reach that place but that’s not true. Happiness is moments of pure elatedness. Pure simplicity and cheap thrills. No matter what other people say, you get to decide what makes you happy and decide if you want to be happy. And that’s how beautiful and tragic life is. You can either choose to be happy or not and that scares the living hell out of me because I feel like this. This void, this emptiness that I just want to purge out and fill it with light, with happiness. But happiness is not a place. You can’t make homes out of happiness. You have to find it within yourself. For that moment, for that simplicity, for the tragic mess that all looms behind us.

So if you ask me why anything, why me all I can say is that nothing. That’s what we are and that’s what we will ever be. We are nothing compared to the universe around us. We limit ourselves through religion, through thoughts, through so-called ‘knowledge’, words with meanings that don’t really mean a thing. Yes, we are nothing but part of a void that we try so hard to fill but end up empty anyways.


Are you happy?