i remember the past
too much these days
and i won't lie that
i kind of miss it

it's the way of life that
i've known for 3 and a half years
it's not easy to forget
and im a little confused
is it selfish of me to want
to forget the past?
or atleast make it bearable
to remember

i felt so alone and lonely
when i was there

disconnected

everyone's so busy with
their lives and im stuck

i've lived a jetpack
and fastpaced world
when i was there because
it required alertness
and relentless moving

in the middle of it all,
i just stopped completely
i didn't know why i was
doing it anymore

i didn't even like it
some aspects were interesting
like the media and getting published
but it fades away pretty fast

it wasn't what i expected

and it took me 3 years to realise that.

now whenever i remember
what i used to do there's
this certain melancholia
filling my heart that's
bordering on nostalgia

i won't be able to be a photojournalist anymore
i won't go to isolated places
to see growth and development
all the memories i've had were precious
and to be honest, i wouldn't have
it any other way even if i did
end up leaving.

old memories will be replaced by new ones
im holding on to that.

Just got back from yet another roadtrip
to celebrate my grandmother's 40 days
we have this tradition where
the soul doesn't leave the earth
until the 40th day
we do all kinds of stuff
like reinacting (sp?) the last supper
using 12 children
we lay out some food
so while the older people pray
the kids start eating

i asked my aunts why
we have to do that
and none of them knows
which is pretty ironic
considering we've been doing
this every time someone dies

i think sometimes religion
is really ridiculous
we just follow blindly
whatever tradition we have
without stopping and asking,

"What's the use?"